just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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