im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
