can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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