Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i think my cat just said my name.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
