sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
