I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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