You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
