I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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