Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hippo gnu deer
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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