this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
