Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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