then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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