he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
