My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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