just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
