My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
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while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
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Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.