i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
