my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
