Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
