Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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