i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
