You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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