I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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