i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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