I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
