Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
