he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dick very happy bro
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
