Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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