The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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