We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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