So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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