I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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