When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
