so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
