then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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