clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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