2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think i got beer on your cat.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
