Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
