There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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