If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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