Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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