If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
