it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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