He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
