see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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