Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
