I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
