the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
