I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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