I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
