Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
