We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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