What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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