Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
