Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
