There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
FUCK WHALES
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
