WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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