I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
