i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
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I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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