You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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