There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The best revenge is premature balding
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
