don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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