Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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